I disagreed with her view of romance. But was I wrong?
A friend shared a relationship issue her girlfriend (let’s call her Alice) discussed with her. Alice’s heart hurt. Her boyfriend (Ted) was sending major mixed messages. Ted adored Alice. At first he wanted to marry her. Now Ted’s suddenly unsure. Says he doesn’t want to marry Alice. The apparent change of heart has left her very confused.
My friend told me how Ted treats Alice so good. He buys her many things. Helped Alice with the downpayment on her house. He does all these wonderfully romantic things for her. Why would he now seem to be backing out?
My friend asked what I thought.
My brain immediately signaled, “Danger, Will Robinson.”
OK, I don’t know Alice personally. Only what was shared. Alice has a good job, is smart and already has financial investments. What I also heard is Alice considers gifts, especially big gifts, as wonderful romantic gestures.
Giving gifts is one of the Romantic Preference Groupings. But two things to remember about this preference grouping:
- It’s the message conveyed: “a) I was thinking of you because you’re important to me, b) I took time to select this specific gift, because c) I thought you’d like it.”
- It’s not about size, expense or extravagance
It’s the message the gift conveys that’s important. If I’m trying to gain your approval, I’m manipulating you. If you expect me to buy you gifts, it’s an obligation. Neither are romantic.
But a little gift given to send a strong, heartfelt message of love and that I know you prefer to be romanced with little gifts becomes a romantic message: you’re always on my mind. This creates a Romantic Moment.
When you romance your partner with gifts, always check your motive. Romance for the right reason – connection not manipulation.
What do you think? Did I jump to the wrong conclusion?
Robert Beagle, LET
